For those of you new to this WordPress site, this site is about me and my writing – and a little about my role-playing, as well. It gives readers a chance to sample my work before purchasing it on the Kindle store; and gives me the chance to say a little about the genesis of each novel, or about the process of writing in general.
I think that my computer is on its way out: The other day – and I write these posts quite a bit in advance – I turned on my computer, intending to do my writing for the day. As I think that I have said in past posts, I spend my mornings writing, trying to do at least three thousand words each morning. How long that takes me varies from day to day. On a good day it will take me around four hours to do those words. On a day when I don’t feel all that creative I will still be writing in the early evening.
Anyway, that is beside the point. I had turned on my computer, intending to begin my writing for the day. I had gone to y word count, updating my target for the day. Then I had a few crisps (chips if you’re American) and some diet coke, which passes for breakfast in my life.
I turned back to my computer to begin writing. But the monitor had a black screen. Normally, when I don’t press a button, I have a star field cut in after two minutes. I can imagine that I’m on the Starship Enterprise, on its original five year mission, exploring space. This time, though, I could not see any stars.
My first thought was that the monitor had gone. I have had a monitor fail before – and that failure gave me conniptions, because I thought that it meant that my computer had died on me. I was almost suicidal. But I worked out that it was just the monitor, as I have one of those ancient, bulky monitors from years ago, rather than the flat screen monitors which everybody use these days.
I was still extremely upset, though, as writing is my life. I cannot survive without doing creative, and I’m not musical and I am not artistic, which only really leaves writing. Luckily I have a friend who is into computers, and he sold me one of his old monitors, that day, for thirty quid, so that I did not have to go any days without writing.
This was the monitor which I was using, and I saw that its green button, indicating that it had power, was still on. The monitor had not failed. So I checked that the connection with the computer was still fine. It was.
It was the computer. There was something wrong with it. But the blue power light at the front of the computer was still on, indicating that it had power, and that it was supposed to be on.
I pressed the blue button again, because none of the buttons on the keyboard appeared to do anything. The computer turned itself back on. It was off, even though it should not have been. It came on okay, and my initial fear that it had completely died had proved to be false. I had thought that this was the day on which my computer died.
I opened Word again, to continue my writing. It said that some sort of error had occurred, and asked me if I wanted to send an error report. Well, no, I didn’t, as I am not on line at home. It is physically impossible for me to send any such report.
I continued with my writing. I hope that it was nothing more than a glitch. But my computer is around nine years old, and I know that it is not going to last forever. But I’m not sure that I am mentally strong enough to survive the death of my computer. A friend knows that, and has bought me a back-up computer. That was very kind of him. But, each day, I feel that I am on the edge of a precipice, and that is even on those days when nothing goes wrong.
Writing stops me from falling into the abyss. It is the one thing which keeps me going, through the mental darkness. When I am in I write. The only days that I don’t write are when I visit a friend who is on the internet; and, instead of writing, I spend a day answering my emails, updating my WordPress site, and so on.
As I write these words I wonder if anybody else will ever read them, or if my computer will fail before I complete writing this particular post. Perhaps something else will happen to prevent me from completing it. I could get run over by a bus. I could throw myself in front of a bus.
Sorry for being so morbid, but little things affect me greatly: it is one of the reasons why I am long term ill. I see a day when the computer fails inextricably linked to the end of my hopes of being a writer. The end of such hopes would also be my death. Yes, I am suicidal, and I have contemplated it several times (come close a few). If I can’t write what is the point.
If you are actually reading this rather depressing post then I guess that my computer is not dead yet, which will also mean that I, too, am not dead yet. In the next post I will endeavour to be not quite as depressing.